trust

This has been a season of learning to trust again. Learning to trust in matters of love relationships, in daily living, and above everything, in God. I'm sitting here this morning after posting a resume for a part-time job that I really need to keep me afloat till the fall gets here, and my schedule picks up once again. I hate this feeling of anxiety, being unsettled, worried. Of course I've been here before, many times. One does not work in the arts or in human services to become rich (:D). I must admit, though, I have become accustomed to paying my bills, and rather enjoy the peace that that brings.

HOWEVER...

I have made a decision to abandon the worry. I realize that many of you (many whom I know, even...hee hee) are rolling on the floor laughing. Laughing 'cause you yourselves made that decision eons ago (so you must be thinking, hey, what's the big deal), and laughing because if you know me at all, you know that I have a tendency to brood and be a bit type A about some things (my motto for many years should have been"what, me NOT worry?).

So that's okay. Laugh. I like to provide the belly laughs even if they are at my own expense. :D

But it's true, folks, I've made the decision to let go of this temporary crisis, or at least the all-consuming anxiety and subsequent irrational fears of bill collectors standing outside my kitchen windows and threatening me with debtor's prison.

It's a new thing for me, for sure. Yet, my head knows intellectually that as a child of God, I am called to let go of the worry and trust my Father for whatever the needs are. My makeup, (flesh) and the way I was raised, war with the matters of the spirit here. I have realized that this is a season of pruning, to bring me to the next level, and in a strange way, I am glad of this. For a change, I am aware of the discipline and am ready to submit to the lesson here.

It's okay to have the niggling little doubts in the back of your head...just remember that they are preying on your emotions, trying to derail you. Trust is a choice, even when it feels irrational, FEEL being the operative word.

It is starting to make sense to me now. Recently I have been called to learn to trust my heart in love again, which involves some risk. The benefits, though, outweigh the risks in a way that is so powerful that it takes my breath away. I am being taught to trust God with this precious new love. I am learning to trust Him with the areas of my life that need pruning...FINALLY I am getting to the point where I can trust that our Father God is a perfect father, so much bigger than the earthly fathers we may have known...His love does not demean, taunt, diminish. His discipline is just and fair, and his lessons truly are to prosper us and not harm us (Jer. 29:11). Am I perfect at this? Not even adept. But through the grace and love of our Father, who has been patient with this spiritually-challenged child, the lights are starting to go on inside my soul. After so many years of barren darkness, yes, even in my walk with Him, there were years of darkness--and branches that needed pruning, and healing that HAD to happen, or at least get started before I could begin to grow up.

It all starts with trust. That baby step of reaching out, holding your breath, squeezing your eyes shut and just jumping into it. And like most fears, the anticipation is always worse than the actual event. In this case, the event was amazing.

I have come face to face with my Father. He is solid, unmovable. I can trust Him.

Lord, let us all come to that place of trust with you.

"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding." (Proverbs 3:5-6)

sail